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Also, make sure you don’t talk over the heads of your kids by keeping things simple. Meeting the family is one of those relationship milestones that carries a weight entirely disproportionate to its surface simplicity. And yet the pressure that builds around this occasion is significant, specific, and for many people genuinely difficult to manage.
Kids can voice their opinions about these issues but parents will ultimately determine the outcome. This is especially beneficial when tensions are high in the heat of the moment. Moving an issue to a family meeting allows for a cool-down period so that calmer minds can prevail. Write out, sign, and post your Family Agreement. Include when you’ll meet again to discuss how your plan is working—and what changes, if any, are needed to make it work better. Because it’s one thing that can make a big difference in family life—and something that doesn’t come naturally to parents.
My husband and I both have developed a habit of asking our kids a question and then answering it before letting them think. It takes kids time to process ideas sometimes or they may not be used to coming up with their ideas because we’re too quick to answer for them. Being respectful, listening more than speaking, not interrupting, building others up not tearing them down are all examples of simple ground rules everyone should follow. The goal of a Family Meeting should be to open communication between everyone in the family.
One of the most useful reframes available when meeting a partner’s family is to understand what they are actually assessing. “You can never go wrong with staying in the moment,” Bronstein says. “Every relationship is different,” says relationship therapist Jaime Bronstein, LCSW. Relationship coaches Devon and Asha Still agree, adding, “Time isn’t as much of a factor as is what you do with that time.” She encourages you to talk to “as many family members as possible” instead of zoning in on one person, or no one at all.
This prevents them from escalating and helps you resolve them easier. They are also a great time to teach skills and role play with kids. If you’re staying overnight with your partner’s family, don’t expect to share a room with your partner.
I was still awake enough to plug in my headphones and listen to it immediately. I always did this when my best friend sent me songs, never wasting a moment. She had sent a message with this one too, telling me it reminded her so Wingtalks profile | The Org much of both of us and what we have each been through in the past couple of months. While AI offers undeniable benefits in technical domains, its intrusion into creative arts, especially music, raises urgent questions.
Getting started with family meetings is half the battle. Give everyone in your family plenty of warning about the day and time of your first meeting. Then, set an alarm on your phone so you don’t forget, and on the day of, jump right in. Although family meetings can be powerful and effective ways to connect and work with family members, they cannot magically solve all the problems of caring for an ill family member. When families have trouble working together or coming to agreements or when the family is divided on a big issue, it often helps to invite a neutral outside facilitator to attend. Sometimes a crisis precipitates the need for a meeting—perhaps someone is in the hospital and major life and death decisions need to be made.
This can be anything from popcorn, special smoothies, muffins to frozen yogurt. Our kids aren’t used to getting a lot of sweet treats so a family meeting is a perfect time to let them indulge a little. It didn’t occur to me until I was reading Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students that having a family meeting could help change things. It’s especially helpful for gifted kiddos but for all kids. Family meetings are a great opportunity to discuss a variety of topics that can help you get organized and work together as a family. They’re an excellent way to impart family values, engage in problem solving, and strengethen your family ties.
Five Tips For Great Family Meetings
And while it may indeed take a minute to get buy-in from your kids, I can tell you that holding regular family meetings can actually be extremely fun and something kids look forward to. Plus, at the end of this post you can grab a free printable family meeting agenda template that can help you easily and effectively plan and run family meetings in your home. And in this post, we’re going to cover everything that goes into starting and running regular family meetings and even give you several family meeting topic ideas to get you started. Family meetings build connection and closeness, teach kids life skills, and can be parents’ secret tool to encourage kids to be more cooperative.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our FREE Personal & Family Values. This printable provides a great opportunity for your family to explore and identify values that can help guide you and your children in making the right choices. Registering for this site allows you to access your order status and history. Just fill in the fields below, and we’ll get a new account set up for you in no time.
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- Inside this post we’re sharing 7 tips for successful family meetings!
- A good rule of thumb is to always bring at least a small gift or token of appreciation for the hospitality being shown to you.
- Do your best to anticipate it potentially being a bit awkward, and acknowledge that you might get a little bit uncomfortable at times.
The reality is that meetings may not go smoothly each week or cover every topic you have planned. Each difficulty is an opportunity to grow your “family brain” by tackling the challenges together. Meeting for just 20 to 30 minutes each week will help your family stay connected, work as a team, and keep your family calendar from veering out of control. Plus, you’ll strengthen empathy muscles by making time each week to share your joys and sorrows, swap chores and responsibilities, and reflect on how family life is going.
You can also start discussions, of course, being careful to avoid anything potentially inflammatory or controversial. It’s fine and normal to disagree with someone over politics, for example, but that doesn’t mean you need to bring it up the first time you meet your partner’s parents. Like most things, dietary restrictions are an important subject to broach with your partner in advance, that way they can communicate with their family before the holidays. Create a topic jar or special notebook to keep in a designated area around the house. Let each person know that as issues come up throughout the week, they can write it down on a piece of paper and drop it into the jar (or record it in the notebook).
As time goes on, you might do meetings less often—or more often in an especially challenging week. Family meetings can make a big difference because every family experiences conflicts, but not every family deals with them effectively. Conflicts—between parents, between parents and kids, and among the kids—often lead to yelling and screaming, ratchet up the stress level, and sour the atmosphere of a home. My wife and I set the expectation about the laundry. The family meeting gave our kids ownership of how to meet the expectation. The result was that all our kids began taking responsibility for their laundry.
Show an interest and genuinely engage with them. If there’s a pile of shoes at the door, take yours off. If the dog isn’t fed from the table, don’t give it leftovers from your plate. If they say grace, sit quietly or join in if you’re religious.
Meeting the parents is about building on the relationship you have with your partner and developing one with the people closest to them. You’re being invited further into your significant other’s life. A conversation beforehand to ensure both of you are on the same page regarding why you’re taking this step could help relieve any anxiety about the first meeting. Meeting your partner’s parents is an important step in the relationship. After all, the parents will likely be a significant part of the life you’re building with your partner.
Make sure you have everything on the family calendar and that everyone is aware of what’s coming up. Make any arrangements in order to get people where they need to be when they need to be there. Check-ins are where you talk about how things are going, both for individuals and the family as a whole.
I respect anyone who chooses to be child-free, but making it a part of your personality every chance you get means you’re bound to say something that rubs your partner’s family the wrong way. Your nerves may be bad or you might hate small talk. But, you can’t get to know your partner’s family and vice versa unless you talk to them. People will notice if you and your partner or only comfortable talking to each other.
What helps is preparation, knowing what the occasion actually requires and bringing the right orientation to it. If you try to peel the onion and they don’t want to go deeper, move on. You might have things you’d like to talk about, but as Asha says, “If the conversation goes in a different direction, go with the flow.” Being pushy or rigid is a fast way to turn someone off. If you’re going to a barbecue or holiday gathering at your partner’s family’s home, it’s possible the menu may not be your favorite. The food may even be served potluck style, so should you come across a dish that doesn’t look appetizing…don’t let your intrusive thoughts win by asking who made it.
But to get you started, here’s a free template for you to download and print. You may be wondering how to have a family meeting that your kids don’t want to run away from. Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA) seeks to improve the quality of life for caregivers through education, services, research and advocacy. If alcohol will detract from the main focus of the meeting or will lead to conflict, it is better not to offer it. However, each family has different ways of communicating, and in some families a drink may make everyone more comfortable and more able to talk. A narrow focus for each meeting can help alleviate some of the pitfalls.
While this goal is important, it can also be a challenging one. Despite good intentions, it’s the daily routines and inevitable detours to our routine that can undermine our best efforts. Attention is devoted to “putting out fires” rather than bonding and deepening the connections we desire most. The recommendations we offer are based solely on our mission to empower parents to raise children who care and contribute. Neither is helped by being dismissed or minimized.
Connected Families has developed a FREE downloadable and printable template for you to use at your family meetings! On the first page of the template is a suggested family meeting agenda. Use this as much or as little as you want to keep your family on track. Family members play roles based on position in the family, relationship to the person who is ill, special talents, etc. Also, often someone is the “blamer,” and someone else the “blamed.” One person may try to make peace, and another may try to sabotage the process.
And this doesn’t have to be complicated or super planned out. We often have ice cream sandwiches, popsicles, or root beer floats for treats because they’re super easy. We’ll also play a game as a family (like Qwirkle, my kids all time favorite game!), have some arts and craft time, or occasionally do a family movie. When our oldest daughter was going to college, she said, “Family meetings gave everyone in our family an opportunity to participate and have a voice while allowing our family to stay connected! ” That’s a legacy I’m so grateful to have given our children. Again, there is no perfect formula for a great family meeting for your family.
We may be living in 2021, but when meeting your partner’s family for the first time know when to pick your battles; including when it comes to where they would prefer you to sleep. If you and your partner feel strongly enough about sharing a bed, you can always opt to get a hotel or Airbnb close by instead. Otherwise, respect that it’s “their house, their rules”.
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Kids’ sense of independence grows when they make decisions that impact the family. Remember that this is a bonding tool designed to teach as well as inspire everyone that being close as a family is the best thing for all concerned. Keep talking about things until everyone agrees or at least agrees that it’s OK to disagree. Getting support and talking about choices will teach your children about fairness and about being a family. In areas where there have been difficulties, point them out gently and don’t be punitive. This will encourage everyone to ask for help where he or she needs it.
Encourage everyone to participate in discussions. You may even consider allowing someone different to pick out the treat each week. Rotate through each member of the family to give everyone input and make them feel special. Check out some of brilliant ideas from Tina at Mindfulamazing.
They are watching someone they love navigate a context that is important to them. They may be anxious about how their family will behave, how you will respond, or what impressions will be formed. Knowing that someone recently lost a job, had a health scare, or is going through a difficult period lets you bring appropriate sensitivity. Rather than stumbling into territory that will make the day harder for everyone. Ask what the family values in social situations.
This information is not about managing the situation. It is about being genuinely informed rather than walking in blind. Especially if this is your first time dating into a close-knit family. Before meeting the family, the most valuable preparation happens in conversation with your partner. Not in rehearsing what to say, but in gathering actual information. You want your partner’s parents to welcome you into their family with open arms.
“Just honor your voice. Don’t jump into it or be pressured to do something you’re not ready to do. If you’re taking this step, you should feel like you’re going to be with this person long term.” All three dismiss the notion that there comes a definitive stage of the relationship when you should meet the parents. However, Bronstein believes that it is possible to make the move too soon. The family is definitely gonna want to chat with you or your partner, but it’ll be hard if you’re too focused on your phone. Goldberg says, “It’s important to stay off their phone and be fully present during this first meeting.”
Still, you will have to deal with some of the difficult issues when they get in the way of cooperation. Remember that you can’t resolve long-standing family issues with one such meeting. The task is not to “fix” the family, but rather to have everyone on the same team, as much as possible, in caring for someone who is ill. At the conclusion of the meeting, make sure everyone has a clear understanding of the issues and considerations discussed.
That may be your kitchen, living room, dining room, back porch, or whatever space you find will fit best. When discussing problems or challenges, try to do so from a strengths perspective. Point out your kids’ strengths and how they can use those to solve the problem or start behaving the way you prefer. In the past, when a problem came up, we would often be reactionary with our kids. We had certain rules set in place, but they weren’t always consistent. It was easy to give in to lessen the yelling and whining.